JESUS CHRIST FIVE FUCKING PUPPIES.
CAN YOU EVEN FATHOM THE CONCEPT?
Just imagine unwrapping your birthday presents!
First you get an Easy Bake Oven from your frigid bitch aunt. And then a Kid Sister from your dad as if to make up for the fact that he is too impotent to conceive a REAL LIVE sister for you. But then HOLY SHITFUCKING MOTHER OF GOD, you unwrap a genuine goddamn PUPPY SURPRISE!!!!!!!!!@@@
Then when you first cut open the package, and hold the plush knocked-up bitch dog doll tight in your arms, you wonder... HOW MANY PUPPIES ARE THERE INSIDE??
The commercial says THERE COULD BE THREE OR FOUR OR FIVE.
Unable to contain your excitement any more, lest you piss your fucking Osh Kosh B'goshes, you lay the doll on its back with its legs spread apart, and thrust your eager fist up its birth canal.
And you greedily grab whatever you can from its sweet sweet womb. CHRIST JESUS, you silently pray, PLEASE GOD LET THERE BE FIVE PUPPIES INSIDE.
You pull a baby puppy out into the light of its new life, only to realize it's just an ordinary stupid fucking dog doll and toss it aside... and when you think God isn't paying attention for a moment you think secretly SATAN IF YOU ARE LISTENING... IF GOD DOESN'T COME THROUGH FOR ME WITH MY FIVE FUCKING PUPPIES, MY ETERNAL SOUL IS YOURS, DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO. You ram your hand back up the cunt of your doll, and yank out another tiny puppy!
And again, for a third puppy!
And again.. but wait, what's this? HOLY COCKSUCKER IS THAT IT??!?@? THREE FUCKING PUPPIES? HOW COULD THIS BE... OMIGOD WHAT DID YOU DO TO DESERVE THIS!??# As the tears stream down your face, you decide I WON'T LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE I ONLY GOT THREE PUPPIES IN MY PUPPY ASSFUCKING SURPRISE.
You grab the pair of scissors you used to open the package, and plunge the blade into your left wrist.
The Puppy Surprise puppies soak in your blood, just like real newborns, as you drag the blade a few inches toward your elbow, before you finally lose consciousness.