OREGON TRAIL

<Ralp> I just installed wine to run an Apple IIe emulator in order to play Oregon Trail because there is evidently only one Apple emulator for Lunix that has been maintained in the last 5 years and that didn't work, and it is APPARENTLY WORKING

<Odat> wait, you got wine to run something?

<Ralp> YES!!

<Odat> holy shit

<Ralp> OKAY WHO WANTS TO TRAVEL TO OREGON WITH ME!!!!!!!

<timedout> me me me!

<themole> i do, i do (German accent)

<Odat> last time I tried I contracted a particularly virulent disease and perished

<Ralp> I have room for five!

<Ralp> I am a carpenter from Ohio.

<Ralp> Well you're coming anyway Odat

<Ralp> Come on, who else

<Odat> Niccy will bring the rooty beer.. we can club her over the head and bring her along as entertainment

<Odat> what she doesn't know won't hurt her

<timedout> i always die in independance

<AmnioticFluid> hey dammit!

<AmnioticFluid> wheres my name!

<Ralp> Okay, we can leave during any month between March and July!

<Ralp> The wagon is full :(

* AmnioticFluid whines

<AmnioticFluid> cant i be one of the horses or something?

<Ralp> We can name one of the oxen after you

<Odat> we should leave in april, so that we can get there in time to celebrate the 4th of july

<AmnioticFluid> 4th of july?

<AmnioticFluid> for what?

<Ralp> I concur

<AmnioticFluid> did they have a july then?

<AmnioticFluid> FUCK

<Odat> yes, the julian calander has been in effect for quite some time

<Ralp> We have $800

<Odat> we need food to survive, and clothing for the men-folk.. we can save cash by letting nichole be naked all the time

<AmnioticFluid> LOL

<Odat> some amount of ammo I guess, to shoot at people that try to steal nichole

<timedout> we have to buy meg too

<timedout> so one ox

<Odat> good call

<AmnioticFluid> ox?

* AmnioticFluid pouts

<Odat> Meg the big hairy ox!

<Ralp> Okay, I'm getting ten oxen and Matt recommends 200 pounds of "flour, sugar, bacon, and coffee" per person.

<AmnioticFluid> i wanted to be a horse or something

<Ralp> We cannot afford horses!

<AmnioticFluid> a mule then!

<AmnioticFluid> or hell, even a cute little donkey

<Ralp> We cannot afford mules!

<Ralp> Also there is no such thing in this game

<Odat> too bad, a mule would be more appropriate than an Ox

<AmnioticFluid> NO DONKEYS?!?!

<AmnioticFluid> yeah, im stubborn like a mule=)

<timedout> yeah cause when i think megan, i think ass

<AmnioticFluid> perhaps i could be the rabid dog?

<timedout> i also think bitch

<Ralp> I'm cutting back on the oxen

<Ralp> How does this look!

<timedout> that's swell ralp

<Odat> are you sure that's enough spare parts?

<Odat> it sucks to be in the middle of nowhere with no parts

<AmnioticFluid> yeah, flat tires are a bitch without a spare

<Ralp> That's 8 oxen, 1200lbs of food, 2 sets of clothing each (or 2.5 not counting Nichole), like 1000 rounds of ammo or something, and 2 each of spare wheels, axles, and whatever other spare part is

<timedout> meg, they didn't have tires back then

<AmnioticFluid> yes charlie, i wsa making a joke

<AmnioticFluid> i specialize in western romances, dont you thikn i know that?

<timedout> oh of course, i knew that

<Ralp> we will lose all our shit in the first river so I'm setting off

<Odat> so, do we take turns whipping meg, or do we all just go at once? I'm not sure what the ettiquete is here

<AmnioticFluid> ooooh

<AmnioticFluid> will yall wear leather?!?1

<robbiepaul> holy shit ralp, is that oregon trail

* robbiepaul is happy

<robbiepaul> 'kid has died' 'name kid' '1lessmouth2feed'

<Odat> way to keep up, robbiepaul

<robbiepaul> i'm slightly slow

<robbiepaul> it happens

<Ralp> I started us out on a strenuous pace with filling rations.

<robbiepaul> buy bullets ralp, hunting is more fun

<Odat> he bought 1000 rounds, is that enough?

<Ralp> Okay, first some scenery shots:

<robbiepaul> sport hunting is fun, 'wow theres a buffalo, not anymore, i dont feel like dragging it back'

<Ralp> And now the river!

<Odat> I hope meg can swim

<Ralp> robbiepaul: I remember hunting is awesome in this game but I am running it through one emulator on top of another emulator so I am not too confident about the speed of the animals to be correct and shootable :\

<robbiepaul> haha

<Ralp> We'll see though

<AmnioticFluid> i can swim

<AmnioticFluid> like a fishy!

<robbiepaul> the speed was always slow on the IIe anyways

<Ralp> Okay, we can ford the river (but trust me it's too deep),

<Ralp> Caulk (lol cock) the wagon and try to float it

<Ralp> or hire a ferry

<Ralp> I don't know how much the ferry costs.

<AmnioticFluid> ferry

<AmnioticFluid> i might drown otherwise

<Odat> I second the ferry operation, but only because I don't want to get all wet

<Odat> next thing you know, I've got pneumonia, and bam, dead

<Ralp> Okay, it costs five dollars and the ferry doesn't run for another 6 days.

<Ralp> Still ferry?

<AmnioticFluid> yeah!

<Odat> we got nichole to entertain us and such

<timedout> i say risk it

<timedout> there may be indians

<AmnioticFluid> but you can give the indians some beads, and they will go away

<timedout> wow

<timedout> i thought you said head..

<Odat> if I die of some virulent diesease, it'll be on your head, man

<AmnioticFluid> wow, dude....you have it on the brain tonight

<Odat> he'd like to!

<AmnioticFluid> hed like to give the indians some head?

<Ralp> UH OH!

<Odat> hooray! it wasn't me

<timedout> wha?!

<AmnioticFluid> haha

<AmnioticFluid> can you just shoot charlie and put him out of his misery ralp?

<robbiepaul> bedtime, good luck with oregon

<-- robbiepaul has quit (Quit: Leaving)

<Ralp> I'm hunting for food

<Odat> hey meg, it looks like you have some sort of pox on your rear left leg

* AmnioticFluid shrugs

<Odat> hope we don't have to put you down and make oxtail stew or something

<AmnioticFluid> STD's are communicable from humans to animals you know

<AmnioticFluid> and, i think im gonna sleep, before someone asks me why i know that

<AmnioticFluid> night all:P

<Ralp> Good news, family!

<Odat> nice shootin, tex

<Ralp> I spent two days trying to figure out how to hunt and not shooting anything though, oh well hopefully timmy has rested up!

<Ralp> 3 feet doesn't seem very deep

<timedout> option 1

<Odat> I concur

<Odat> even though option 2 makes me giggle

<timedout> although, 1 foot of water moving in a quick fashion can be fatal

<Ralp> :(

<Odat> meggyy!!!

<Odat> ah well

<timedout> oh no!

--- timedout has changed the topic to: http://ralp.net/img/oregon/bigblue3.png RIP Megan

<Odat> haha

<Odat> does RIP stand for Really Into Porn?

<Ralp> heh

<timedout> it could with megan

<Ralp> OH NO one of the other oxen is injured

<Ralp> I am reducing our pace back to "steady" for a while

<Odat> steady is a good pace for a group in mourning over losing that many wagon axles

<timedout> great idea, Captain

<Ralp> We are all out of axles now but Fort Something is coming up soon

<Ralp> Also I done shot us a buffalo to try to make up for the massive food spill

<Odat> two weeks out and I havent died yet.. this could be a new record

<Ralp> A 903 pounder, man why don't you jerks ever help me carry meat back??

<Odat> well, he has a broken leg

<Odat> and someone has to guard Nichole!

<timedout> i have a broken leg, i don't know odat excuse

<timedout> oh

<TLC^> are you guys playing a game or somethin ?

<Odat> isn't the whole point of the trip to get her to Oregon and sell her to a bordello?

<timedout> ralp is playing a game while odat and i cheer him on

<Ralp> What a deal!!!

<Odat> woo, meat trade

<Odat> it sounds so naughty

<Ralp> heh if you liked THAT one,

<Ralp> I just swindled the fuck out of this naked chick!

<timedout> literally?

<Ralp> more than likely, if u no wat i mean ^___~

<Ralp> Okay we're heading off to Chimney Rock at a strenuous pace!

<Ralp> We found an abandoned wagon, but it is empty :(

<Odat> we got a long way to go

<Odat> I hope we make it in time for the party

<Ralp> uh oh!

<Odat> tough break

<Ralp> themole has a broken arm, I am not taking a screenshot though ha ha

<Ralp> Man no wonder the buffalo got wiped out, what a retarded animal.

<Odat> they do seem easy to slaughter

<Ralp> Anyway it doesn't matter because we're already at the river [in the time it took me to upload those]. We didn't need anything from the fort

<Ralp> The Green River is 400 feet wide and 20 feet deep :O

<Odat> maybe it's time for some Caulk (hyuk)

<Ralp> It was a 4 day wait for the ferry. I TOOK IT

<Ralp> There is not much water and few buffalo anymore. Plenty of deer but they are harder to shoot.

<Ralp> It's June 22 and we have traveled 1072 miles

<AshBox> you own a gun Ralp?

<Ralp> Evidently!

<Ralp> It shoots pixels

<Ralp> Here is a charming family photo.

<Odat> is timed the girl on the beach or the one in the sun bonnet?

<Ralp> On the beach I am pretty sure

<Ralp> No wait, that one is probably Nichole since I don't think Nichole's clothing ration would include a bonnet

<Ralp> So I hope you guys like bear meat!

<Odat> games but it'll do in a pinch

<Ralp> Well Odat I don't think we're going to make it by tomorrow. July 3:

<Odat> RIP! :(

<Ralp> Uh oh!

<Odat> this isn't going well at all

<Ralp> Well happy Fourth of July, we had "very little water" and I wasn't able to shoot us any fresh meat :(

<Odat> some party

<Odat> do we at least get to blow some stuff up?

<Ralp> I shot my gun a few times to commemorate the occasion

<Odat> good times!

<Lesso|sleep> I've never fired a gun

<Lesso|sleep> Is it really that fun?

<AshBox> i would be too scared to shoot a gun

<Odat> how else you gonna kill a buffalo?

<Odat> or deer

<Ralp> An eyeless Indian Spirit Shaman draws near! Prepare for combat!

<timedout> i'm still alive right?

<Odat> dude, don't let her push you over the cliff

<Odat> word on your dysentry has been sparse

<Odat> presumably you'll know when you are no longer thus afflicted

<Odat> also, due to a clothing supply snafu, you were forced to wear a long dress and sun bonnet

<Ralp> No one has died yet!!

<Ralp> This is some sort of miracle

<Odat> I'm certainly amazed

<Odat> more bad news on the clothing front, timed

<Ralp> It's a 6 foot deep river but 1000 feet across

<Odat> does the shoshoni indian have some sort of indian hover boat?

<Ralp> I don't think it's safe to float that far and it's certainly too deep to ford, but I'm not sure I trust the look of those injuns

<Odat> also, be careful if he offers to sell you some candy.. I hear they make it out of fish

<Ralp> Well, the Indian helped out, but I infected the clothes with smallpox anyway!

<Odat> that's why you're in charge of this expidition, Ralp!

<Ralp> Maybe this would never have happened if we had just let her wear pants :(

<Odat> technically she'd be wearing a dress.. quite easy for snakes to get under

<Odat> I stand by our decision

<Ralp> What the hell, didn't I start out as a carpenter? Or am I just making things up here

<TLC^> you said you were a carpenter earlier

<AshBox> Ralp what is this madness?

<timedout> apparently you suck

<timedout> i'm going to bed, i'll check progress in the morning

<Odat> you didn't say you were a GOOD carpenter

<-- timedout has left #chat

<Ralp> AshBox we're heading to Oregon!

<Ralp> MANIFEST DESTINY

<Ralp> Nichole has a broken arm.

<Ralp> August 17: HEAVY FOG

<Ralp> Guys I can hardly believe this but we are almost there!!

<Ralp> We rested for 2 days at The Dalles, it's now August 31.

<Odat> maybe we'll get there in time for my birthday

<Ralp> We still have phat ca$h left over, so we can take the shortcut down the Barlow Toll Road! $8.50 woo, there better be wagonstops every 5 miles with Wendys and free oxen grazing areas

<Ralp> :D

<Odat> that's a lot of miles

<Odat> travelled

<Odat> you're the king of road trips, dude

<Ralp> Fuck that shit! I want my $8.50 back, and I'm writing a letter to the Oregon Department of Tranportation as soon as we get to Williamette.

<Odat> haha

<TLC^> did you make this game Ralp ?

<Ralp> TLC^ no, it is a classic Apple IIe game

<Ralp> We ate ALL our food during those 8 days :o

<Ralp> And I almost came up empty hunting, luckily I done shot us a bar at the last minute

<Odat> damn munchies

<Ralp> The bear meat lasted us the rest of the way!!

<TLC^> how much further to go ?

<Ralp> TLC^: ZERO MILES

<TLC^> you made it ?

<TLC^> or does it come down to meters

<Ralp> That was absolutely by FAR the most successful game of Oregon Trail I have ever played or even HEARD about ANYONE EVER playing in the history of Oregon Trail.

<Odat> woo double point carpenter bonus

<Odat> I'm still amazed nobodydied

<Odat> whodaman? RALPDAMAN!

<Ralp> Now I'm never going to play this game again because I know I will never come close to having everyone survive. :(

<Odat> at least you have a visual record of your amazing feat

<Ralp> SIMILARLY, I'm never going to use wine again because I know I will never come close to being able to run a program so automatically again.

<Ralp> Hey, I should go play the lottery

<Odat> haha, excellent plan!